This isn’t a new thing. I always have felt this, many times, all the while.
Irrespective of what that is, I just want to know is this normal? I’m aware I’m far from normal, but still.

I’ve never been close with any of my family, because there is hardly anything common I share with anyone in the family. Apart from the fact which i’ve learnt by now – that family will be there for you no matter what, I don’t see much I can give them back. I’ve stayed because I don’t want them to mourn, at least not for me. I don’t deserve it.

These are weird days, when I feel the reality of my situation – how fucked up and lonely I am. And I hate the fact that I reach out in so many different directions to run away from it. Always getting a disappointment, come back to my shell. I mean is this even possible ? That you simply have no one who will be there for you ? GOD simply forgot to bring that person to life ..or worse.. into your life.

I want to know, if this is even real. Because I fail to find anyone around me who might have gone through this. Or may be they all are handling it in the same way. What difference does it make, we are not able to help each other. May be just being mean to each other. I somehow make a personal note to not be mean to anyone, cause you know…people may need someone to be nice to them. But I always end up wishing someone was like me, being like me to me. Some friend, who isn’t going to be mean, whatever his situation.

I can’t remember the last time I might have hurt a friend, or been careless, or been unavailable when he/she was in need. I have always been there. Unfortunately, there has not been one friend who returned the favour. Or felt the need to do so. May be they think I’m too needy? But then most of them say that I inspire them, that I’m so strong, that I’m so independent ? I’ve heard that more. May be they don’t say it, they don’t like how I’m always available, they don’t want some one who is actually a friend in need.. may be. May be they don’t want the burden of returning that favour.

I can’t criticise the family, because I can’t choose them. I’m just an odd one out, I’m not like them, it isn’t their fault, its mine. But friends I could choose, many times, in many ways, but yet no luck. Everyone is the same, they keep a distance, because they don’t want the burden of being there for you. They have their lives, their loved ones. So lucky. I’ve always wanted to be like such people. So full of bonds, that never break. So confident they don’t need a close friend, cause probably they have one already or have a family that gets them completely! I want to be secure like that.

Many a times, I’m too knowledgeable for people, I know too much, much more than they generally would care to know. Most of times. Thats the first reason they will distance from me. Other times, well.. there are no other times. All of them can’t find time outside of their personal lives. For me, I’ve never had a personal life as such.

I thought marriage may solve it for me. But the joke is back on me, as I landed up in another family, that is far far away from ever getting me really. They live in another era. No common grounds to feel at home. Arranged Marriage, because I could not even find a guy who would love me for what I am. My husband doesn’t really appreciate what I am, he hardly cares or acknowledges that might be a requirement, he fell in love with what he saw outside, that was all he understood, or cared to understand, he has his personal issues to worry anyway. Personal, yea thats what everyone has, a personal life. I probably never did have one.
Every now and then I try to reach out in different directions to find answers to why I still am lonely. Parents don’t care anymore, they’re done with their responsibility for finding me a mate. They say they can’t help me. Friends…well, what friends? whatever are left would usually say, do something special for your husband, for his family, blend with them ..change yourself. Why do have to think about what you want? like is that even a thing?

Thankfully, at this point in my life I have a career that accepts me for my virtues. I do well at work, earn well. Probably this place is what deserves my dedication. May be.

Husband keeps asking for having children. But is that my solution, or key to further miseries? Is it worth having kids with a person I do not gel with, or worse…into a family I don’t really bond with. Is it worth bringing a child into this world, and exposing him to my world where I’m unable to fit in? or will he give me the motivation to finally give up and pretend to be happy.. Is that its supposed to be?
Do I really need to lie to myself all along to blend in and get rid of being alone? Or will it be just me all along – with my fears of being alone in this universe. Why haven’t I ever felt the comfort of being in love, or having a companion. What its like?


Harassment stories you would want to hear..

I have seen this outrage for women’s rights only recently, precisely since Dec 16,2012, and there is a sense of shock amongst the masses. More disturbingly, amongst women. I’m surprised all these surprised women have only heard about such horrible incidences recently. Do you really think it is only happening recently? where have you been? or are you just lucky to not have experienced anything disturbing ever living in this neighborhood, OR may be you are too naive to even comprehend what was happening around you. I could believe that last one. I’ve been surrounded by such ignorant women all around me.

Rapes, as we know it, in India were a taboo to be spoken off until recently the media took it as another acceptable news piece amongst the masses, hence almost every day one rape news-line comes in your view from different parts of the country. Only recently, this crowd of ignorant people started to acknowledge it as a bad thing that needs to be prevented. These women, only recently thought it is worth coming out of their homes and talking about it. They dare would not discuss it with fellow friends just a couple months back.

Rape as only some of us may know, is not the only way women in India are harassed. There are multiple stereotype activities that Indian men use to make a woman feel uncomfortable to the point where it is mentally and emotionally fatal.

I came across this post by a foreigner and her experiences in India (, and though I can understand her shock to such harassment as she comes from a better environment, it was annoying that there were more gasps from Indian girls I knew – they thought the men ogling at your body, masturbating at you in public is so weird and unheard of. I mean, now it is weird? you mean you didn’t know of indian men to be pervert headed? or you were too naive to catch gestures often made by men in public ever since? Right, like I said, most of women here are way too ignorant to even comprehend acts of shame by men. And they have taken advantage of it at every single point. Had the women always made a fuss about it, at every pervert act by men, these men would know what is not allowed. Now they are just more confident.

May be it is also about bad luck. I as a woman, have been conditioned to shameful acts by men ever since being a kid. Don’t know how, I didn’t have boobs back then, or was tall as an adult, but I have been through bad behavior in public spaces. A lot of it. Whether you are with your mom, or your dad, these men do not hesitate to rub against you or touch while they pass you. By the time I turned 11, I had been through groping incidents almost daily. And if you happen to be unlucky enough to have a slightly more prominent bosom, you’d probably never go un-noticed by these pervert men. It was rather safe for a child down in Maharashtra where we lived. I remember being terrified to be asked by mom or dad to go somewhere on my own, because if I did, and I was alone, I would have so many men hounding and surrounding me, and I could be groped any moment. On protesting to my parents to not send me alone, they would hand me my little brother “take him with you”. As a child I could not convey to elders in words what exactly happened, but they didn’t seem to think it was a big deal anyway. I never felt protected even with so many of my family members around. A girl is just not safe in this country.

Once while traveling in train, a guy beside our seat, pretending to be asleep, was constantly grabbing me while everyone was asleep. I was in deep sleep beside my mom when I realized he was doing it way too often. I woke up, and stayed awake to wait for him to reach me next time, and there it was.. I held a very heavy school bag I had with me and banged it hard on this guy’s palm- kept stabbing it with my bag for about 5 mins, hoping my cutter or a scissor at the bottom may just wound him, I wish I had the courage to actually take them out of my bag and stab that bastard. I knew he was awake but he kept pretending to be asleep. He stopped reaching me after that. But I stayed awake. Next morning, I gave hime daring angry stares through out the travel, until he got down at some station. It didn’t seem to bother him much, but as a 12 year old, that is all I could do to vent out my anger for a stranger. As telling my parents did not seem to make them scold the guy or drive him away.

I was always scared to venture into crowded place when in U.P., it was a sure way to get groped. By the time I turned 14, even any place in Maharashtra was the same for me. There were men stalking you for days, giving you long stares till you feel disgusted and leave. I remember me and my girl-friends joking about the appearance of those stalkers, as all of us had atleast one. But in our minds, we all were terrified by the thought of those stalkers actually being around in some place secluded. Most of us would not dare be out after 7 p.m. One day I had one chase me till home, finding my dad at the gates I was relieved and immediately told him about that guy behind me on a bike. My dad looked over my shoulder, and simply turned away as if something else was more important to be done that time. I never tried again to share my inhibitions with parents, but decided to take care as much I can from there on.

Once due to a late tuition class, I was heading home after 8 p.m. a guy was stalking me since the whole day, I had noticed him somewhere, and realized he had been chasing me around the town. It was a small town though. Thats my bad luck to be there. Anyhow, since it was late, this guy finally had the courage to go beyond his cheapness of stalking and drove right beside me, looking at me and attempting to talk. I had gone through such situations in my head a multiple times and did exactly as I thought may help – I drove faster to reach a place on road that was well-lit with some more people standing near by. I reached there and stopped. The guy was a bit confused but he stopped too. He finally spoke to me – what’s your name? I without panicking, calmly and un-caringly answered – why do you want to know? he then asked – which class do you study in? I lied with a confused-disgusted look on my face ..I study in Std 10th? why do you care? this time I shouted on top of my voice and said “Stop chasing me, or I can right away report you to police”. Some people standing near by turned to look what was going on. The guy hastily drove off – to my relief. But this was temporary. I drove for another 5 mins, and he was again beside me on an over bridge road. I mustered all my courage and showed a calm face, again not-caringly questioned him – “tumhe samajh mein nahi aata ek baar mein? mere papa police mein hain idhar, abhi le chalun kya chowki ..saamne hi hai” (Don’t you get it? My dad is a police officer here and that is why I can easily take you to the police station just around the corner), which was true, I knew the area. I was lucky too, the guy was panting and not much of doer anyway, so he drove off again. To make sure, he isn’t following again, I actually took the route passing the police station, which led me through police colony as well. I took longer route home. Ofcourse didn’t want anyone to find my real house. That day passed. I was 16 then. One thing was clear, no one here is going to protect you, only you will have to take charge, try and if you are lucky, you may be saved a terrible incident. Just don’t fear it before anything even happens.

After that I have come across multiple incidents of misbehaving men. In a local bus, when a man sitting beside you, presses his body hard on you, as if the seat isn’t enough for his space. Even after asking him to sit properly, he wouldn’t stop. In such situations, if you are a teenager, and alone in a bus, you can’t really expect anyone to be on your side. I knew no one there was going to take my side, if I asked for help, because the guy didn’t really actually do anything. Such pervert ways to advancing are still not recognized in India. In a train, if you are alone, even in an AC coach, there will always be some uncle-age of a man who can’t stop staring at you. To such people I just give a stare back, if they don’t budge, I speak up in a loud voice – “Uncle, aapko koi takleef hai kya? kyun ghoor rahe ho?” (do you have a problem uncle? why are you staring?). Everyone has your attention and he is embarrased to do it again. I mean train is the safest place to stand up for yourself. Well most of the lucky times.

Oh and this one is my favorite incident, that happened in Kanpur, Uttar Pradesh. Me and my cousin sister were to reach a place to meet our parents who were waiting for us for a movie. It was 7 p.m., traditionally way too late for girls to be out in a city like Kanpur. We were on a two-wheeler, my sister driving. Suddenly on a very main road, with so many vehicles around you, a motorcyclist drove close and the pillion rider grabbed my back as if I was his self-assinged property. I was disgusted and immediately grabbed his hand and flung it away, yelling at the top of my voice – “Saale, kutte bhenchod! baap ka maal samjha hai kya?” (Bastard, sis/motherfucker! you think I’m your dad’s property?). The guy gave back an extremely astonished look, and me not losing the anger on my face as if I will right away kill him, he instructed his rider to drive off faster. They sped ahead. Later we were laughing and telling the story to our parents, who as usual weren’t bothered.

It is wrong notion that having a male accompaniment will help you escape situations. I have had gestures by men even in a place like Bangalore and Pune, those they do using their mouth or eye-brow raising ones, even though I have had a guy right beside me. Indian male has guts, he knows there is no way to prove his mis-behavior. I was riding behind my husband on the bike, and the traffic police guy staring at us, and he suddenly gave me the eye-gesture, smiling dirtily. It was quite unexpected. I thought he was staring at us for a out-of-State number plate. Actually funny, and very very sad at the same time. Even with your husband, these lecherous men do not seem to deter. But you Woman, you always have to stand up for yourself, and don’t fear them at all. Because you know, most of them have no spine or guts to do anything to you – they just want to see your scared face.

It requires a metamorphosis of genetic nature for women, of being shy or timid, to build a mental strength to stare back at a man who just winked at you or made another pervert gesture. When girls in the metros are repeatedly getting bold, why can’t everyone else? it is not like these girls face more harassment on a daily basis than any others in smaller towns. Man up and face them without fear, stop hiding. Actually Woman up!

To think out of my box

Slowly, as the world pushes you into feeling and behaving like an adult, for me it comes as a whole task to gulp that down. I still feel outcast when my homies call out to the children at home to get some ice-cream at a near by shop, and I’m not among them. You are now supposed to make small talk with any relative you may not like, it is bad to walk away, something you could do as a child. As a child or a teenager, I always resolved to not change much when I grow up. I wanted to remain unbiased towards everything as I was then. But we all know – we grow up to those, our biases, our choices, our comfort zones.

A teacher in my high school once asked us ‘Children, like now you all don’t discriminate amongst each other to be friends on the basis of religion, but when you grow up, why do you change?’. At that point I happened to feel sure, I wouldn’t change, neither will these other teenagers around me. But you know what may have happened by now. Not so much for religion though, I happened to grow to a very strong cultural bias.

It was a mental block created over a period of time to be culturally conservative. Most of the times I hated the culture of taking safe decisions in life rather get any closer to pre-defined risks. I was to opt for a more stable career path like engineering instead of architecture or arts, which did not assure a job in those times. Then after a graduate degree I was supposed to find a job or get married, a possibility of higher education did not occur to us as it was just too much already that I was doing the graduation. With smaller ambitions, put in shape with time, facilitated with least exposure to outer world or other people with bigger ambitions – I graduated. Internet was available then, but not as much as in the metros at that time. And we weren’t boys to get the access if required, cause for them it is justified to seek answers in our culture.

My story goes on just like many other girls here, but the cultural bias how it affects the ambitions we inculcate, is something I often contemplate.

As a teenager, and even in early 20s, watching USA in movies as a place of free-thoughts and free-will, and even having close relatives there, it did not ever excite me to be there. I was a always a independence hungry girl, rebellious in all the ways, but yet culturally curbed. Growing up in India, I always thought the independence I seek, is possible in this country itself, why go abroad ? I thought I just need to be financially independent to get away from parents’ interference in my life. I know, I was naive. Indian parents never will think they have no business with you after you are 18. Since they gave birth to you, they have the right over your life- right until your own children get married or if life is generous, even the grandchildren! after a struggle to find yourself amidst the pressure to get married, even if you succeed to find yourself a career you love, you will, well .. get married one day. All this had not ever occurred to me earlier that making a decision to remain in india and not go abroad will cut down my circle of life to such a small circumference.

It is only after years, when you see the world around you thinking differently about matter, is when it strikes – did I cut down my opportunities to grow?

I have by now spent some years working with Americans or Europeans on various projects, and for a designer’s job, I constantly required to think outside the Indian mindset of things. May be I’m more deeply devoured by the indian-ness than many others, and that is what disgusts me. No matter how I hate playing safe at all times, I’m unconsciously doing so with my career plans or even life plans. I often question myself, had it been different if I took a bold step to go study abroad ? taken the heart to pursue education in what I believed to be the right thing for me ? I’ve always made decisions to stay in this comfort zone, where the terrain and people and their behaviors remain same, no matter what. I’ve always felt the discomfort to move outside it. I still think of all those NRIs I’ve know as someone ignorant and an outsider to culture of this country. I feel proud at times that I know more about my country’s roots that they will ever know or care for. But their life has possibilities that I may not face. They don’t need to feel connected or worried about this country. So is my patriotism just an excuse ? may be it is.

My manager would constantly echo this on our conversations – ‘In America, this is how we do it, you must think on those lines’. I don’t think it applies to my profession, because i’m mostly involved with the web, which is same for the US or India, or is it ? In any case, I do not refer to indian web as much for inspiration or cognition of solutions, as it is plainly not good at it yet. But there are many a times, I happen to think like an indian, the temptations like coming to work and not working, and leaving early. Indians were never very hard working types when they get paid reasonably. Look at the classes of society, the poorly paid work the hardest. Is it the sub-continent weather ? or are we just genetically easy-money hungry ?

Or may be because I’m just an artist and yearn to spend afternoons painting in a huge studio, instead of breaking my head on a corporate software solution. The Business world always brings this feeling of inferiority in me, of being incompetent. It makes me long to go and create a different niche somewhere and stay out of touch – in my box.

Hindu (Managers’) Stupidity

To begin with, I’m a Hindu myself. This post points to the Hindu community which has a history of not respecting or believing in itself, which vows to remain strikingly stupid!

I have immense respect for this religion, with even its diversities and differences, it has always been a symbol for wisdom. The kind of wisdom where the sciences, mathematics or even Kama-sutra was invented. Out-wardly it proves to be the most tolerant and spiritually gifted clan. Or that is what I want to believe, given my own reasoning. It is also supposedly the birth-giver to the infamous caste-system, which has essentially passed on over to other religions all over India from Hinduism. You don’t believe ? watch this to know, there is caste-system in each and every community in India, because everyone has been converted at some point.

Coming to the point, this community has always been stupid enough to let anybody else lead them, brainwash them. They could never be wise enough to respect their own riches of knowledge or wisdom. They have constantly been raided and looted by invaders over the centuries, coaxed into converting, forced to labor. At least this you believe right ? These however, are facts from the past. They have eventually established the virtues of their gray matter at home and overseas and world-wide. But this, at the cost of a cultural topsy-turvy.

I’m here really angered by those who have soared so high in their careers and societal statures, but never have defended their own culture. I agree the culture has eventually deformed in number of ways, but how many of you know the history of it ? Sadly most of us believe more in the deformations of this rich culture than its original version.

I question all those permanent residents of western countries, how many good things about your culture do you convey to the people abroad? do you think you are entitled enough to bad-mouth your own country in a foreign land? Did it occur to you that you may be mis-informed to make those statements ? Do you realize the purdah-ghunghat system you despise was something induced much later in this culture, and for what reasons ? Can you even tell why Holi or Diwali is celebrated in a certain way ?

Coming to the people residing in India itself. You are a shame if you have never contemplated over the questions above, as if spitting in your own plate wasn’t bad enough, talk about disrespect! You do not respect your own culture. Why am I questioning all this out of nowhere ? It is because years of observation of our metro-city-culture. As the industrialization happened, our constant need for business increased, we transformed from manufacturing industries into MNCs and a dominant IT sector. Now think about the principles how our MNCs work. They clearly disregard your need to be like yourself, sound like yourself, and even wear like you want, so now you can’t of course ask about celebrating your own festivals. Ya I get it, we will do business only how I customer pleases. But tell me, shouldn’t this argument be buried when indian industry has soared those heights world wide? we are known everywhere now, so are our characteristics. Why do we still try to hide them ?

I have everything against the Indian management sector. The Manager, HR or technology or anyone in that managerial position. Why have you never had the damn guts to tell those foreigners that you have a life here! Your need to celebrate ‘Diwali’ is as important as their’s to take a whole month off for ‘Christmas’ ?? We anyway merely ask for a week to celebrate the most important festival, not a month. But denied that too. And why do you argue that the westerners do not have as many festivals to celebrate like indians, when we know none of us even know what half of them are or how to celebrate even a few of them! Why do you never think twice before canceling out a ‘Sankranti‘ or ‘Holi‘ or ‘Dusshera‘ from the holiday list, while easily giving official offs to ‘Good Friday’, ‘Eid’ or ‘Christmas’ holidays ?

I do not wish to start thinking that ‘may be the managers are all non-hindus’, my guess is it can’t be possible. Hindus are still the majority in India and not all managers can be possibly non-hindus to have missed on importance of Hindu festivals. The culprits are hindus themselves, no one else. You constantly try to show off, that it is not important enough for you to be home on Diwali, but you will know exactly when a ‘Thanksgiving’ or a ‘Halloween’ is celebrated. The joke is on you, the young generation now has no clue about our rituals or festivals. They do guess work to even blurt out the names of the important days. On the contrary, they know it all about Christmas, Halloween or Thanksgiving! Infact, they may have never attempted to play ‘Holi’ the way it should be because it isn’t hygienic but will readily agree to do a ‘La-tomatina’ after watching bollywood stars doing it.

Isn’t that is why the English ever were able to rule us ? you thought they were so majestic, wiser than you, and classier, and slowly let them become your rulers. Shame on us, this hasn’t changed. All those NRIs, the westerners know how much you loath your own country and its traditions. I’m aware we have the worst kind of politics in rule, and the culture has deformed into a conservative and narrow-minded body, but how much do you wish to change it?

Did you ever try to get to the roots and see where it got this deformed face ? If you would have, you would never question the beauty of ‘Sankranti’ or ‘Holi’ or ‘Diwali’, you would never keep from expressing its importance to this community. You are plainly killing it in the name of getting business relations.

The Uncouth Indian

As far as I can remember, growing up in this country I have learnt to let the strongly routed patriarchal culture pass through me. It really has come in from a long way, with longer time till it stays, until we may be able to uproot it.

The Indian culture from ancient times, like from the earliest times, suggests a very bold and wise culture, a very open minded settlement. Known as a land of wisdom, where people have come full circle in life to realize the ironies of it, and set their priorities right. Those times are known to have the wisest Rishi-munis and Saints, who had everything figured out. literally! The Vedic texts, the maths, the science .. they just had it all figured. The Chanakya era, known for its progressive lifestyle of a kingdom. From various studies it appears the ancient indian sub-continent was very open-minded about their women, ranging from their influence in the society-to how they dressed. Kama-sutra is one such huge example of the advancement of this society. There are even Sanskrit texts that have stories with women protagonists who were very open about their relationships with men, stuff like extra-maritals and multiple partners. By advancement I mean exactly what you are questioning in your head? a character-less woman ? My stupid dear, what does character mean to you ? I’m certainly not interested in your definitions of character, but for me it is the sole quality of a human to survive at his will, with may be some integrity which won’t involve hurting others. That is all, no amount of relationship graph can possibly define someone’s character.

It occurred in the mid-century where some numb-nuts thought a peaceful world is not good enough. They did not mean to find meaning in life, instead they wanted to take away everyone else’s peace of mind, and control as much as they could. I’m referring to the Alexanders & Mughals who started the trend to invade the peaceful sub-continent. Not that within sub-continent there weren’t negative elements, but most of it was outsiders. I’m basically suggesting we always have the dim-wits who do not get reason or logic.  So these invasions caused the sub-continent to protect their women against assault, they required to hide them and cover them, in order to protect that pride-respect associated with a family or clan.

Up north of India had dramatic changes in the culture of open-mindedness, women could no longer wear single shoulder drapes hugging their bodies, showing off their beautiful curves, no longer bathe in open rivers and ponds and walk out wet to entice strange men. They could no longer be treated as equal to men, as they desperately required protection of men, they could not support or defend themselves, they were refrained from being themselves i.e. being free humans. All this only because the women have a little slit down under, which happens to be creator of life, the biggest power known to this world. Thus, it has been speculated many a times, that a patriarchal society originates from this fear, that if a women can give birth, she can have the greater power. The only way a man finds his solace is by having control over this possible threat to his false-ego – The woman. Constantly over a period of time, women were deprived of gaining wisdom through any means, education or interaction, were continually made to believe they were the weaker sex, they can’t survive without the stupid Adam. And c’mon! we have this woman in all of us. What? you don’t agree? you definitely need a man to control that thought about independence. Without a man , you are nothing, at least in this country. (being sarcastic.. duh!)

And of course, the men have continually been taught to be all-mighty and the big power all this while. Why are you disappointed if you yourself have been participating in this. All women I’ve known have constantly believed in themselves to be something to be protected, and fearing if its intruded upon. Its all these women.. our mothers, our grandmothers, mother-in-laws who constantly instruct their daughters and daughter-in-laws to behave in certain ways in order to protect that imaginary and glorified pride. This Pride has been over-rated, over centuries.

Why a woman’s pride must be tagged to that of an entire Clan or family ?

why is she constantly burdened to be carrying that weight, even though she is supposed to be weakest of all others ?

why is she made to feel ashamed if she lost that pride due to an un-called for event ?

Why must she feel she is capable of losing her pride at all, or anyone else’s ?

Ask yourself, and I hope this generation of mothers or grandmothers who have instilled this belief in us are reading such posts online, to reflect upon themselves, their education, the values they pass on to their daughters. What about sons? you definitely wouldn’t instill good values in your son if you haven’t for your daughters.

You are the culprit. You always let other’s interest stand over your own self-respect. You always have been dumb enough to let them make you weaker. This is because of your slight need for comfort or may I say .. laziness. Of course you like to be treated as a princess.. just like men like to be the King, but don’t you think you need to have some pride of your own to go with it ?

Men have succeeded in making you believe that his pride is a natural occurrence and yours isn’t. You are someone who just needs to follow his pride and lose yours on the way. That isn’t collaboration, that is slavery. Giving the argument about being physically weaker than men, is another scam. Eat well, and keep trained, nothing with a hanging organ can ever do anything to you. Not even when you are leaking with red.

It saddens me to have such mothers and mother-in-laws myself. In my mid-twenties my mother had once instructed me to protect my virginity, as she thought it was horrendous to lose it to someone you won’t marry. Many social stigmas behind that, that you can’t question. My mother-in-law constantly wants me to cover my face and hide in the back-room of the house, as people outside the house may just have a glimpse of me, and since I hold the pride of the household, no free-shows! The Karwa Chauth being the most dim-wit kind of fast invented by the north indians. I mean why in the world must I refrain from food and water for an entire day for the husband ? for that matter Roza for Ramzan sounds better, as then you fast in the name of God atleast. oh oh .. the husband is supposed to be our God you mean ? .. ah now I get that. well ..fuck that! And if I do not fast for your son, it is a matter of worry for you, because it possibly holds a threat to his long life is it ? ohh.. poor that you actually believe that crap. I’m a women, I can control birth of a life, not finish it. duh.

That does it. I do not mean to carry any dim-witted cultural stigmas and rituals into the next generation. I quit being this weak woman. What happened in Delhi lately, will not change unless you stop being so fearful of it. The man needs to be shown, he possibly cannot make you lose pride. He is not capable of it. And certainly that little tool he has hanging below, isn’t actually a tool that can destroy someone.

a stable life

the more I walk ahead on this road,

the more I want to keep exploring,

leaving behind some make space for a new soaring

so much difficult to give up that temptation ..of holding some forever,

and carving my way to surrender..

the kind of we call..a stable life..

much more difficult to ignore the ones who want you to stop

their coax in disguise of care

the choices become a face they imagined of, not as what you dreamed of

Scrolls of love..

In olden times, at a difficult time..

in a mall I trolled…

But with e-comm online

I just sit there pretty, and scroll….

I was as usual watching the re-runs of SatC, and the ‘zsa zsa zoe’ episode was running, my husband points out (since I make him suffer through those re-runs daily, humoring that goes on in the show is his only resort) – for you this ‘zsa zsa zoe’ feeling doesn’t exist right ? or you’ve probably just lost that kind of feeling for fashionandyou or something *laughs*

‘zsa zsa zoe’ was the term used by Carrie Bradshaw of SatC, for a certain feeling of being in love with someone so much as to have butterflies in your stomach, be nervous .. and those sort of works!

The reason why my hubby cracked that joke on me was because he has found no sparks in me like it is expected out of an newly wed (or what he knows about a normal girl). He isn’t wrong actually. On an average, India breeds women with dreams of a perfect marriage, she will be assumed to be very nervous for her first encounter with dear husband, be loving and shy in most aspects. It would be normal for her to react immaturely to the usual problems of a new relationship, specially with a new person, in a new home. Marriage is her only encounter at all, any other kind of relationship in her life is a taboo. Post-marriage hanky-panky isn’t relevant to my point here. A pre-marriage relationship however, oh well.. lets not refer to it like that. sounds so crime-like! So in case you happen to be in any kind of serious relationships which did not turn into marriage, so even when you find the butterflies passé, you will require to hold a kind of veil on it, not all the time, but in some places for sure. And not for anybody else, but for your ease to handle, this life in a country like India.

I wouldn’t say I face a strained relationship with him, or he does, but he doesn’t give much a shite about whether I’m the shy type first-timers or not, that is why we are here. However, apart from that, my point here is about how we are supposed to have a certain interest and excitement to be in a new relationship, where you have actually forgotten yourself, you think of someone above you, so much so that you wait, decide, think terms of the other person. I agree, this is what a marriage is like, and it should be. Love is self-less. But I admit, I do not fulfill those clauses as much till now, I try, but there is certain selfishness I retain, a certain lost-into-myself aura, which somehow I feel is my strength..keeps me together, in touch with myself.

Bleh.. I’m in no mood to get spiritual here. To be precise, love, the concept, bores me. to death. I’ve always thought and believed love was a decision to make. You decide to be in love, or step out. What you feel inside you, an attraction or longing may just be circumstantial, and no body stops you from acting over those feelings, so do them, but don’t ever fool yourself to be actually allowing yourself to be carried away to make decisions like, well.. Love. My bluntness does not mean I’m not in love. I do mushy stuff, but as a joke 🙂 but with that humor is how I show love.

However, I was talking about what makes butterflies in my stomach jump. As far as I remember from old times, it was some teenage time when the idea of love could have made me feel that. It is the fetish for material things now. I do not get why women make such a fuss about entering 30s, all of them, and mind you, all of those cool and wise women out there are or beyond that golden age! You will never hear a 24 something speaking anything wise or even the witty quotes.

Often my man asks me ‘what is with you girls and shoes and all these clothes!’ – that is happiness, in its rights. For we have realized the key, it is not others you find the answers to life, it is in yourself. When you dream to fall in love, first remember to be in love with yourself. And not necessarily it has be about looking good, that is just a customized interest with some of us.

I love shopping…And thanks to e-shopping booming finally here in india.. hip hip hurray for the sites of fnyRoojaZovi and myntra.. so many more wannabes ..