Scrolls of love..

In olden times, at a difficult time..

in a mall I trolled…

But with e-comm online

I just sit there pretty, and scroll….

I was as usual watching the re-runs of SatC, and the ‘zsa zsa zoe’ episode was running, my husband points out (since I make him suffer through those re-runs daily, humoring that goes on in the show is his only resort) – for you this ‘zsa zsa zoe’ feeling doesn’t exist right ? or you’ve probably just lost that kind of feeling for fashionandyou or something *laughs*

‘zsa zsa zoe’ was the term used by Carrie Bradshaw of SatC, for a certain feeling of being in love with someone so much as to have butterflies in your stomach, be nervous .. and those sort of works!

The reason why my hubby cracked that joke on me was because he has found no sparks in me like it is expected out of an newly wed (or what he knows about a normal girl). He isn’t wrong actually. On an average, India breeds women with dreams of a perfect marriage, she will be assumed to be very nervous for her first encounter with dear husband, be loving and shy in most aspects. It would be normal for her to react immaturely to the usual problems of a new relationship, specially with a new person, in a new home. Marriage is her only encounter at all, any other kind of relationship in her life is a taboo. Post-marriage hanky-panky isn’t relevant to my point here. A pre-marriage relationship however, oh well.. lets not refer to it like that. sounds so crime-like! So in case you happen to be in any kind of serious relationships which did not turn into marriage, so even when you find the butterflies passé, you will require to hold a kind of veil on it, not all the time, but in some places for sure. And not for anybody else, but for your ease to handle, this life in a country like India.

I wouldn’t say I face a strained relationship with him, or he does, but he doesn’t give much a shite about whether I’m the shy type first-timers or not, that is why we are here. However, apart from that, my point here is about how we are supposed to have a certain interest and excitement to be in a new relationship, where you have actually forgotten yourself, you think of someone above you, so much so that you wait, decide, think terms of the other person. I agree, this is what a marriage is like, and it should be. Love is self-less. But I admit, I do not fulfill those clauses as much till now, I try, but there is certain selfishness I retain, a certain lost-into-myself aura, which somehow I feel is my strength..keeps me together, in touch with myself.

Bleh.. I’m in no mood to get spiritual here. To be precise, love, the concept, bores me. to death. I’ve always thought and believed love was a decision to make. You decide to be in love, or step out. What you feel inside you, an attraction or longing may just be circumstantial, and no body stops you from acting over those feelings, so do them, but don’t ever fool yourself to be actually allowing yourself to be carried away to make decisions like, well.. Love. My bluntness does not mean I’m not in love. I do mushy stuff, but as a joke 🙂 but with that humor is how I show love.

However, I was talking about what makes butterflies in my stomach jump. As far as I remember from old times, it was some teenage time when the idea of love could have made me feel that. It is the fetish for material things now. I do not get why women make such a fuss about entering 30s, all of them, and mind you, all of those cool and wise women out there are or beyond that golden age! You will never hear a 24 something speaking anything wise or even the witty quotes.

Often my man asks me ‘what is with you girls and shoes and all these clothes!’ – that is happiness, in its rights. For we have realized the key, it is not others you find the answers to life, it is in yourself. When you dream to fall in love, first remember to be in love with yourself. And not necessarily it has be about looking good, that is just a customized interest with some of us.

I love shopping…And thanks to e-shopping booming finally here in india.. hip hip hurray for the sites of fnyRoojaZovi and myntra.. so many more wannabes ..


Wake me up when December ends..

It is that time of the year again, when in the past years of growing I was full of anticipation.. whether my life is going to change? something fun? something important? where I clearly hoped the year to let me broadcast a special news to everyone, the kind of news all friends in circle already had. To meet someone special.

It took me to lose a couple of years of my life to stupid-love to get enlightened with my powers. That golden enlightenment I faintly remember to possess in my teenage, which later got over-ridden by the love-bug, and was sort of over-shadowed by some of what you call the libido. I have usually been slow in growing to the truths of life, but those few years were strikingly dark and lost. But that is not what I find fun talking about. It is that golden time that followed. The neutral state of mind. The fearlessness, the carelessness. You do not fear of what may result, you care less of making mistakes.

After my 1st break-up, I dived directly into what you call a suicide attempt of a rebound relationship. But this time I was aware of myself. I was selfish. I knew it was for my own benefit and not the other person involved. During this time I took the liberty to travel as much as I could. It is a tried and much recommended therapy world-wide for self-discovery. It is a great way to get the sense of the universe, its rules.

I was constantly traveling that December, and fooling around with a friend. He may be too, but that is not the point. My travel was across the length and breadth of India, some alone, some with family or friends. A complete month, that adrenaline-pumping December! It all ended by the 30th, and the 31st went lazing at a relative’s, helping into their home chores. I wasn’t even bothered to ask them about their new year eve plan. Being in New Delhi! getting to a party was the last thing on my head. By evening, I was tucked away in the bed watching ‘Alice in Wonderland’. I love those dreamy concepts, and with johnny Depp! It was perfectly cold in Delhi, at 2 degrees I was buried under a 10 kg blanket for a drunk sleep through to the new year day. I called up my folks an hour early before Eve, wished them and switched off my phone. I didn’t want anyone to wish me, show they care. I did the bit to show care to the bare minimum people that mattered.  Next day I only thought about calling my then boy-friend by afternoon, he was still awake since he was in the US, 1st night had not closed into morning yet. He was disappointed, as he tried to wish me on eve and couldn’t, while I was having the evil laugh in my head. I even had forgotten to call my first cousin who lived in the next lane, who later scolded me to have missed a chance to a good party he could’ve taken me to.

I do this often, choose to be on my own than get into a party place (unless its some really good friends). It is not the sadistic pleasures I get from disappointing people, it is simply that (if I may say) magical state of mind you achieve, where nothing so matters to you which may actually be pointless. Something like worrying about someone expecting from you, and you think of it as a duty to abide by. Most of the times it is just your imagination that someone has those expectations. This is true for women, they usually do things more for others than themselves. That is where we need to learn from men. They never feel answerable if they didn’t do what you expected, why must we? As the saying goes – “when you can’t beat them, join them!”. It is a better choice to become like men in behaviors, you are happier, fuss-free.

While this new years eve had no longing in me for someone special around, I was completely merry that I had finally become free of the need, to want companionship, to dream of ending up. Who wants to end up ? Life must be an unplanned adventure. and you make it happen if you take chances, make mistakes. I was in a relationship that we both knew wasn’t going somewhere, long distance added to my advantages. This time it did not hurt to be single. I had more plans going on, more possibilities for life in front of me. And I was sure I wanted the freedom for couple more years before I got married.

An Indian girl is brought up in a very tight mind-set, we hardly ever get opportunity to think beyond marriage as our destiny. That may not be true for a generation a decade younger to me, and I’m happy for it. So in that case, the free mind, is a great achievement. As this year began, I was not hoping to find the special one, even though my parents did not spare me from speaking to a lot more strangers, but it was cool. I knew what I was up to, and thats all that should matter, as long as you can face yourself. It was a marvelous year, different.

But the someone special did come by in that very year, and later next year we got married. Since then many hopes and dreams have gone down the drain. I was hoping for some more time, of my newly acquired golden freedom. Anyway, now the nature of your hopes is supposed to change. Somehow, I do not see that happen to me. I still dream of same adventures, knowing new people.. and for that matter some cute ones ;). An affair is not in question, for that you need to be good looking, definitely not fat. I’m not heading right in both ways. Career wise I am doing fine, I will soon own more of the useless assets of the world with the money I’d have, and then get buried down by them to have no choice, but to settle.

Settling down, it has always scared me, but you can’t stay away from it, not when you are far from alone.

But the problem this year remains the same, there is no way for me to plan something nice. All the places you ever know of are over-booked and taken. and just having someone special beside you on the eve, does not help have my way of fun 🙂

Something wrong with the rights

We all know the world is going haywire, there are more humans than planned for and more human acts causing danger to this unique (self-declared) planet. In this context, I happened to notice some peculiarly obvious cases of ‘things in the wrong place’. These wrong things apparently however aren’t wrong to the makers or the doers, as they look at it as ‘the right thing to do’.

I’m here to question some of those decisions out there.

I’m from India, and we all here have seen this rapid progressively building concrete jungle over the last few decades. Most of this in the progressive cities where the IT boom has taken over, where you have more offices, more computerization of the systems, more need for those closed, tinted, air-conditioned rooms. As I may assume, it might have all started with the heat factor of the tropical region, a computer needs to be protected from the weather, later on mis-interpreted as a luxury fact for the ever-westernization-hungry country. By the way, about that, we Indians have always been fascinated with the western cultures, no – not the modern way of thinking, we plan to remain ancient in our thinking for more centuries (my previous post), but we like the way they do everyday stuff. You know, air-conditioned offices, houses, buses, trains, even the fucking bus stand or train stations for god-sakes! and then jazzy gadgets to keep everything in life just a button away, all automatic, luxurious ways of life. Oh! I forgot to mention food, we like what the westerners eat or drink, even if it is the silliest decision ever to substitute coke for water..duh. We are so crazy about it, that we can line up at the country’s only newly opened Starbucks outlet, there is this double-joke on us too. Am I off the point ? nope, just creating the picture of our minds.

So we want all this, we want our cities and airports to look like Vegas. I mean who wants those Banyans, Peepals, Gulmohars or many other leafy broad trees around, we’d instead replace them with 1% of it for some artificial, manually planted, non-shelter giving, manicured, called-so-for-the-heck trees! I’m always incredibly saddened by looking at those stupid Palm trees there at Airport campuses, IT Parks and the 5 or 7 Stars. Palm trees ? whoever came up with those ideas. We have coconut trees too, what about them ? I’m seriously disappointed in the landscape artists involved with them. It could be also true, that like many aesthetically gifted people  in this country, they get a lot of flak for being right. They are usually pressurized by this ‘upper management’ to do the IN-THING, so because they have the power, they think they know best, in reality when the only this they have is the MONEY, and no vision.

Ok leave the gardens, they barely are part of the landscapes anymore anyway. Lets look at the buildings. Now whoever came up the idea of those Glass borne structures, providing unnecessary heat to overall environment around them and requiring huge amount of air-conditioning to counter the former. If you give me the argument, they are easier to build, you can please take a shot in the head. Just to save some money, and be richer faster, there is this in-human clan of humans, that took such decisions. Decisions that are costing the coming generations a self-sufficient eco-system, which cannot be restored that easily. AFAIK, these ugly structures were first built by the IT companies, and they are still famous for humongous structures, and they are regretting some, for the maintenance and !

Which un-informed Architect would have first suggested these structures, they eat so much electricity and resources for maintenance.. Why do we always take the resources for granted? Why do we think, the air, the water, the trees will always be at our service ’cause they ought to be? Clearly, they have depleted beyond our imagination.

Also not to forget to mention, the Indian Art and style of architecture has been surrendered to these ugly buildings. Sad. We are losing identity.

The f***ing Indian mentality

It defies every logic how the indian mentality works, especially the men here. Its been too many years I’ve faced that mentality, and even though it angers every bit of the woman in me, the truth is, you can not , just simply cannot do anything to change the way things have been.

In the past few years, with more social network tools available online, more women have found ways to come out in the open, express themselves and be what they actually are. For some it works just as good as another way of life, while for some it is indeed another life, may be a life that is not otherwise possible for them to live.

We’ve had many writers, female ones, writing freely about anything and everything unconventional, unacceptable in this very conservative society, winning awards and accolades worldwide, but recognized by a much smaller clan which is relatively free amongst this closed-minded community. They still do ofcourse face resilience from the regular crowd, this crowd I’m talking about, never is willing to change. There are so many women, the famous, recognized, respected on various platforms, who have always spoken their minds. But then among them are the ones who do not believe in being conservative or even acting like one, who aren’t afraid of speaking their mind, in other words will not fear from acting as free as men. Its a twisted mind-set. Its okay if a guy leches about the opposite sex in public, just try a woman doing that in public, for that matter, on a social network, and there are eyebrows raised. Well, there is nothing unique about that observation, I know. What bothers most is however, on a social network ? is it even necessary to bother if someone acted like herself online ? each and everyday, I witness how on these social networks, women have to face offensive messages and comments, just because they happened to be, well, themselves. Be it celebrities like Gul Panag (a well known actor and celebrity), Tasleema Nasreen (a renowned Writer), or any regular women, who like to just speak out whats in their mind, giving a fuck about how they’d be judged.

Being judged…well, that still drives even the most educated, or the most famous people to speak their mind in a certain way, they all go through a certain censorship exercise in their head before they post something on a public platform. But those aren’t the kind of women I’m talking about here. Its the fearless ones who matter, who know there will be a backlash, but that is exactly what they do not give a fuck about.

If we leave alone celebrities, and look at regular women who do not mind making offensive and bold comments (as per indian standards) on a public platform like twitter, the kind of responses aren’t generally warm. But if you come to talk of twitter, crude and abusive responses is what given to not just regular general female public, but celebrities too.

It is amusing how these men, who merely have read something on the internet, from a certain unknown person, most possibly a woman, are capable to being angered by the freedom of expression they happened to portray. If she happens to simply be writing about whats on her mind all day, stuff like what she listens to or what she drank or who she found hot ..bam! the egos are hurt, and a judgement is passed. Slut!

So. These amazing species a.k.a Indian Men, have some really really admirable qualities. And they are not specific to a sun-sign or a region, they are just the same everywhere. Even if they lived away from India for long, some elements do not leave them for life. It varies at different levels of eccentricity for that logic they apply. Some of them –

  • They tend to judge a woman’s character, by how she just behaved
  • oh, I just realized there are so many types of judgements, that we can’t cover in points. :-/

will write about that in detail some other time.

  • well, here goes some more.. they do not believe a girl even requires to express herself, as in they study with them, work at offices with them, comes to parties with them, adventure trips..still it really amuses them if you happen to have the gut(read dick) to think and speak up in an unconventional manner.
  • Oh, and some are even idiotic enough to assume, ‘that if she is so free in her mind, she might as well be free to go to bed with anyone, and of course she wouldn’t mind being called a slut. duh..simple math’  – such amusing logic!

There are more fun-facts I know that I know, but need to think over to put down. later!

I’ve personally known some fucks like that, sometime, may be in last life or something, but these creatures are really amusing, really. beats every reasoning in anyone of us, that why, god why, do they have the balls to be like that.

more sooner..