This isn’t a new thing. I always have felt this, many times, all the while.
Irrespective of what that is, I just want to know is this normal? I’m aware I’m far from normal, but still.
I’ve never been close with any of my family, because there is hardly anything common I share with anyone in the family. Apart from the fact which i’ve learnt by now – that family will be there for you no matter what, I don’t see much I can give them back. I’ve stayed because I don’t want them to mourn, at least not for me. I don’t deserve it.
These are weird days, when I feel the reality of my situation – how fucked up and lonely I am. And I hate the fact that I reach out in so many different directions to run away from it. Always getting a disappointment, come back to my shell. I mean is this even possible ? That you simply have no one who will be there for you ? GOD simply forgot to bring that person to life ..or worse.. into your life.
I want to know, if this is even real. Because I fail to find anyone around me who might have gone through this. Or may be they all are handling it in the same way. What difference does it make, we are not able to help each other. May be just being mean to each other. I somehow make a personal note to not be mean to anyone, cause you know…people may need someone to be nice to them. But I always end up wishing someone was like me, being like me to me. Some friend, who isn’t going to be mean, whatever his situation.
I can’t remember the last time I might have hurt a friend, or been careless, or been unavailable when he/she was in need. I have always been there. Unfortunately, there has not been one friend who returned the favour. Or felt the need to do so. May be they think I’m too needy? But then most of them say that I inspire them, that I’m so strong, that I’m so independent ? I’ve heard that more. May be they don’t say it, they don’t like how I’m always available, they don’t want some one who is actually a friend in need.. may be. May be they don’t want the burden of returning that favour.
I can’t criticise the family, because I can’t choose them. I’m just an odd one out, I’m not like them, it isn’t their fault, its mine. But friends I could choose, many times, in many ways, but yet no luck. Everyone is the same, they keep a distance, because they don’t want the burden of being there for you. They have their lives, their loved ones. So lucky. I’ve always wanted to be like such people. So full of bonds, that never break. So confident they don’t need a close friend, cause probably they have one already or have a family that gets them completely! I want to be secure like that.
Many a times, I’m too knowledgeable for people, I know too much, much more than they generally would care to know. Most of times. Thats the first reason they will distance from me. Other times, well.. there are no other times. All of them can’t find time outside of their personal lives. For me, I’ve never had a personal life as such.
I thought marriage may solve it for me. But the joke is back on me, as I landed up in another family, that is far far away from ever getting me really. They live in another era. No common grounds to feel at home. Arranged Marriage, because I could not even find a guy who would love me for what I am. My husband doesn’t really appreciate what I am, he hardly cares or acknowledges that might be a requirement, he fell in love with what he saw outside, that was all he understood, or cared to understand, he has his personal issues to worry anyway. Personal, yea thats what everyone has, a personal life. I probably never did have one.
Every now and then I try to reach out in different directions to find answers to why I still am lonely. Parents don’t care anymore, they’re done with their responsibility for finding me a mate. They say they can’t help me. Friends…well, what friends? whatever are left would usually say, do something special for your husband, for his family, blend with them ..change yourself. Why do have to think about what you want? like is that even a thing?
Thankfully, at this point in my life I have a career that accepts me for my virtues. I do well at work, earn well. Probably this place is what deserves my dedication. May be.
Husband keeps asking for having children. But is that my solution, or key to further miseries? Is it worth having kids with a person I do not gel with, or worse…into a family I don’t really bond with. Is it worth bringing a child into this world, and exposing him to my world where I’m unable to fit in? or will he give me the motivation to finally give up and pretend to be happy.. Is that its supposed to be?
Do I really need to lie to myself all along to blend in and get rid of being alone? Or will it be just me all along – with my fears of being alone in this universe. Why haven’t I ever felt the comfort of being in love, or having a companion. What its like?