This isn’t a new thing. I always have felt this, many times, all the while.
Irrespective of what that is, I just want to know is this normal? I’m aware I’m far from normal, but still.

I’ve never been close with any of my family, because there is hardly anything common I share with anyone in the family. Apart from the fact which i’ve learnt by now – that family will be there for you no matter what, I don’t see much I can give them back. I’ve stayed because I don’t want them to mourn, at least not for me. I don’t deserve it.

These are weird days, when I feel the reality of my situation – how fucked up and lonely I am. And I hate the fact that I reach out in so many different directions to run away from it. Always getting a disappointment, come back to my shell. I mean is this even possible ? That you simply have no one who will be there for you ? GOD simply forgot to bring that person to life ..or worse.. into your life.

I want to know, if this is even real. Because I fail to find anyone around me who might have gone through this. Or may be they all are handling it in the same way. What difference does it make, we are not able to help each other. May be just being mean to each other. I somehow make a personal note to not be mean to anyone, cause you know…people may need someone to be nice to them. But I always end up wishing someone was like me, being like me to me. Some friend, who isn’t going to be mean, whatever his situation.

I can’t remember the last time I might have hurt a friend, or been careless, or been unavailable when he/she was in need. I have always been there. Unfortunately, there has not been one friend who returned the favour. Or felt the need to do so. May be they think I’m too needy? But then most of them say that I inspire them, that I’m so strong, that I’m so independent ? I’ve heard that more. May be they don’t say it, they don’t like how I’m always available, they don’t want some one who is actually a friend in need.. may be. May be they don’t want the burden of returning that favour.

I can’t criticise the family, because I can’t choose them. I’m just an odd one out, I’m not like them, it isn’t their fault, its mine. But friends I could choose, many times, in many ways, but yet no luck. Everyone is the same, they keep a distance, because they don’t want the burden of being there for you. They have their lives, their loved ones. So lucky. I’ve always wanted to be like such people. So full of bonds, that never break. So confident they don’t need a close friend, cause probably they have one already or have a family that gets them completely! I want to be secure like that.

Many a times, I’m too knowledgeable for people, I know too much, much more than they generally would care to know. Most of times. Thats the first reason they will distance from me. Other times, well.. there are no other times. All of them can’t find time outside of their personal lives. For me, I’ve never had a personal life as such.

I thought marriage may solve it for me. But the joke is back on me, as I landed up in another family, that is far far away from ever getting me really. They live in another era. No common grounds to feel at home. Arranged Marriage, because I could not even find a guy who would love me for what I am. My husband doesn’t really appreciate what I am, he hardly cares or acknowledges that might be a requirement, he fell in love with what he saw outside, that was all he understood, or cared to understand, he has his personal issues to worry anyway. Personal, yea thats what everyone has, a personal life. I probably never did have one.
Every now and then I try to reach out in different directions to find answers to why I still am lonely. Parents don’t care anymore, they’re done with their responsibility for finding me a mate. They say they can’t help me. Friends…well, what friends? whatever are left would usually say, do something special for your husband, for his family, blend with them ..change yourself. Why do have to think about what you want? like is that even a thing?

Thankfully, at this point in my life I have a career that accepts me for my virtues. I do well at work, earn well. Probably this place is what deserves my dedication. May be.

Husband keeps asking for having children. But is that my solution, or key to further miseries? Is it worth having kids with a person I do not gel with, or worse…into a family I don’t really bond with. Is it worth bringing a child into this world, and exposing him to my world where I’m unable to fit in? or will he give me the motivation to finally give up and pretend to be happy.. Is that its supposed to be?
Do I really need to lie to myself all along to blend in and get rid of being alone? Or will it be just me all along – with my fears of being alone in this universe. Why haven’t I ever felt the comfort of being in love, or having a companion. What its like?


To think out of my box

Slowly, as the world pushes you into feeling and behaving like an adult, for me it comes as a whole task to gulp that down. I still feel outcast when my homies call out to the children at home to get some ice-cream at a near by shop, and I’m not among them. You are now supposed to make small talk with any relative you may not like, it is bad to walk away, something you could do as a child. As a child or a teenager, I always resolved to not change much when I grow up. I wanted to remain unbiased towards everything as I was then. But we all know – we grow up to those, our biases, our choices, our comfort zones.

A teacher in my high school once asked us ‘Children, like now you all don’t discriminate amongst each other to be friends on the basis of religion, but when you grow up, why do you change?’. At that point I happened to feel sure, I wouldn’t change, neither will these other teenagers around me. But you know what may have happened by now. Not so much for religion though, I happened to grow to a very strong cultural bias.

It was a mental block created over a period of time to be culturally conservative. Most of the times I hated the culture of taking safe decisions in life rather get any closer to pre-defined risks. I was to opt for a more stable career path like engineering instead of architecture or arts, which did not assure a job in those times. Then after a graduate degree I was supposed to find a job or get married, a possibility of higher education did not occur to us as it was just too much already that I was doing the graduation. With smaller ambitions, put in shape with time, facilitated with least exposure to outer world or other people with bigger ambitions – I graduated. Internet was available then, but not as much as in the metros at that time. And we weren’t boys to get the access if required, cause for them it is justified to seek answers in our culture.

My story goes on just like many other girls here, but the cultural bias how it affects the ambitions we inculcate, is something I often contemplate.

As a teenager, and even in early 20s, watching USA in movies as a place of free-thoughts and free-will, and even having close relatives there, it did not ever excite me to be there. I was a always a independence hungry girl, rebellious in all the ways, but yet culturally curbed. Growing up in India, I always thought the independence I seek, is possible in this country itself, why go abroad ? I thought I just need to be financially independent to get away from parents’ interference in my life. I know, I was naive. Indian parents never will think they have no business with you after you are 18. Since they gave birth to you, they have the right over your life- right until your own children get married or if life is generous, even the grandchildren! after a struggle to find yourself amidst the pressure to get married, even if you succeed to find yourself a career you love, you will, well .. get married one day. All this had not ever occurred to me earlier that making a decision to remain in india and not go abroad will cut down my circle of life to such a small circumference.

It is only after years, when you see the world around you thinking differently about matter, is when it strikes – did I cut down my opportunities to grow?

I have by now spent some years working with Americans or Europeans on various projects, and for a designer’s job, I constantly required to think outside the Indian mindset of things. May be I’m more deeply devoured by the indian-ness than many others, and that is what disgusts me. No matter how I hate playing safe at all times, I’m unconsciously doing so with my career plans or even life plans. I often question myself, had it been different if I took a bold step to go study abroad ? taken the heart to pursue education in what I believed to be the right thing for me ? I’ve always made decisions to stay in this comfort zone, where the terrain and people and their behaviors remain same, no matter what. I’ve always felt the discomfort to move outside it. I still think of all those NRIs I’ve know as someone ignorant and an outsider to culture of this country. I feel proud at times that I know more about my country’s roots that they will ever know or care for. But their life has possibilities that I may not face. They don’t need to feel connected or worried about this country. So is my patriotism just an excuse ? may be it is.

My manager would constantly echo this on our conversations – ‘In America, this is how we do it, you must think on those lines’. I don’t think it applies to my profession, because i’m mostly involved with the web, which is same for the US or India, or is it ? In any case, I do not refer to indian web as much for inspiration or cognition of solutions, as it is plainly not good at it yet. But there are many a times, I happen to think like an indian, the temptations like coming to work and not working, and leaving early. Indians were never very hard working types when they get paid reasonably. Look at the classes of society, the poorly paid work the hardest. Is it the sub-continent weather ? or are we just genetically easy-money hungry ?

Or may be because I’m just an artist and yearn to spend afternoons painting in a huge studio, instead of breaking my head on a corporate software solution. The Business world always brings this feeling of inferiority in me, of being incompetent. It makes me long to go and create a different niche somewhere and stay out of touch – in my box.

a stable life

the more I walk ahead on this road,

the more I want to keep exploring,

leaving behind some make space for a new soaring

so much difficult to give up that temptation ..of holding some forever,

and carving my way to surrender..

the kind of we call..a stable life..

much more difficult to ignore the ones who want you to stop

their coax in disguise of care

the choices become a face they imagined of, not as what you dreamed of

a necessary step..

Here it is…what I’ve learnt… that there is a huge difference between baking soda and baking powder, it decides whether your cake fluffs or settles down in the microwave..finally  I baked my first edible chocolate cake.. (later celebrated as a dessert after dinner and a glass of red wine later, a cheap one though..can’t find my favorite Fratelli here in this city.. duh)

So here’s to beginning of musings and rantings about what I’ve learnt, and not necessarily wise (or through the kitchen). More to come from here on is the writing about stories that make up the recipe for a …. Purple life.