It is that time of the year again, when in the past years of growing I was full of anticipation.. whether my life is going to change? something fun? something important? where I clearly hoped the year to let me broadcast a special news to everyone, the kind of news all friends in circle already had. To meet someone special.
It took me to lose a couple of years of my life to stupid-love to get enlightened with my powers. That golden enlightenment I faintly remember to possess in my teenage, which later got over-ridden by the love-bug, and was sort of over-shadowed by some of what you call the libido. I have usually been slow in growing to the truths of life, but those few years were strikingly dark and lost. But that is not what I find fun talking about. It is that golden time that followed. The neutral state of mind. The fearlessness, the carelessness. You do not fear of what may result, you care less of making mistakes.
After my 1st break-up, I dived directly into what you call a suicide attempt of a rebound relationship. But this time I was aware of myself. I was selfish. I knew it was for my own benefit and not the other person involved. During this time I took the liberty to travel as much as I could. It is a tried and much recommended therapy world-wide for self-discovery. It is a great way to get the sense of the universe, its rules.
I was constantly traveling that December, and fooling around with a friend. He may be too, but that is not the point. My travel was across the length and breadth of India, some alone, some with family or friends. A complete month, that adrenaline-pumping December! It all ended by the 30th, and the 31st went lazing at a relative’s, helping into their home chores. I wasn’t even bothered to ask them about their new year eve plan. Being in New Delhi! getting to a party was the last thing on my head. By evening, I was tucked away in the bed watching ‘Alice in Wonderland’. I love those dreamy concepts, and with johnny Depp! It was perfectly cold in Delhi, at 2 degrees I was buried under a 10 kg blanket for a drunk sleep through to the new year day. I called up my folks an hour early before Eve, wished them and switched off my phone. I didn’t want anyone to wish me, show they care. I did the bit to show care to the bare minimum people that mattered. Next day I only thought about calling my then boy-friend by afternoon, he was still awake since he was in the US, 1st night had not closed into morning yet. He was disappointed, as he tried to wish me on eve and couldn’t, while I was having the evil laugh in my head. I even had forgotten to call my first cousin who lived in the next lane, who later scolded me to have missed a chance to a good party he could’ve taken me to.
I do this often, choose to be on my own than get into a party place (unless its some really good friends). It is not the sadistic pleasures I get from disappointing people, it is simply that (if I may say) magical state of mind you achieve, where nothing so matters to you which may actually be pointless. Something like worrying about someone expecting from you, and you think of it as a duty to abide by. Most of the times it is just your imagination that someone has those expectations. This is true for women, they usually do things more for others than themselves. That is where we need to learn from men. They never feel answerable if they didn’t do what you expected, why must we? As the saying goes – “when you can’t beat them, join them!”. It is a better choice to become like men in behaviors, you are happier, fuss-free.
While this new years eve had no longing in me for someone special around, I was completely merry that I had finally become free of the need, to want companionship, to dream of ending up. Who wants to end up ? Life must be an unplanned adventure. and you make it happen if you take chances, make mistakes. I was in a relationship that we both knew wasn’t going somewhere, long distance added to my advantages. This time it did not hurt to be single. I had more plans going on, more possibilities for life in front of me. And I was sure I wanted the freedom for couple more years before I got married.
An Indian girl is brought up in a very tight mind-set, we hardly ever get opportunity to think beyond marriage as our destiny. That may not be true for a generation a decade younger to me, and I’m happy for it. So in that case, the free mind, is a great achievement. As this year began, I was not hoping to find the special one, even though my parents did not spare me from speaking to a lot more strangers, but it was cool. I knew what I was up to, and thats all that should matter, as long as you can face yourself. It was a marvelous year, different.
But the someone special did come by in that very year, and later next year we got married. Since then many hopes and dreams have gone down the drain. I was hoping for some more time, of my newly acquired golden freedom. Anyway, now the nature of your hopes is supposed to change. Somehow, I do not see that happen to me. I still dream of same adventures, knowing new people.. and for that matter some cute ones ;). An affair is not in question, for that you need to be good looking, definitely not fat. I’m not heading right in both ways. Career wise I am doing fine, I will soon own more of the useless assets of the world with the money I’d have, and then get buried down by them to have no choice, but to settle.
Settling down, it has always scared me, but you can’t stay away from it, not when you are far from alone.
But the problem this year remains the same, there is no way for me to plan something nice. All the places you ever know of are over-booked and taken. and just having someone special beside you on the eve, does not help have my way of fun 🙂