To think out of my box

Slowly, as the world pushes you into feeling and behaving like an adult, for me it comes as a whole task to gulp that down. I still feel outcast when my homies call out to the children at home to get some ice-cream at a near by shop, and I’m not among them. You are now supposed to make small talk with any relative you may not like, it is bad to walk away, something you could do as a child. As a child or a teenager, I always resolved to not change much when I grow up. I wanted to remain unbiased towards everything as I was then. But we all know – we grow up to those, our biases, our choices, our comfort zones.

A teacher in my high school once asked us ‘Children, like now you all don’t discriminate amongst each other to be friends on the basis of religion, but when you grow up, why do you change?’. At that point I happened to feel sure, I wouldn’t change, neither will these other teenagers around me. But you know what may have happened by now. Not so much for religion though, I happened to grow to a very strong cultural bias.

It was a mental block created over a period of time to be culturally conservative. Most of the times I hated the culture of taking safe decisions in life rather get any closer to pre-defined risks. I was to opt for a more stable career path like engineering instead of architecture or arts, which did not assure a job in those times. Then after a graduate degree I was supposed to find a job or get married, a possibility of higher education did not occur to us as it was just too much already that I was doing the graduation. With smaller ambitions, put in shape with time, facilitated with least exposure to outer world or other people with bigger ambitions – I graduated. Internet was available then, but not as much as in the metros at that time. And we weren’t boys to get the access if required, cause for them it is justified to seek answers in our culture.

My story goes on just like many other girls here, but the cultural bias how it affects the ambitions we inculcate, is something I often contemplate.

As a teenager, and even in early 20s, watching USA in movies as a place of free-thoughts and free-will, and even having close relatives there, it did not ever excite me to be there. I was a always a independence hungry girl, rebellious in all the ways, but yet culturally curbed. Growing up in India, I always thought the independence I seek, is possible in this country itself, why go abroad ? I thought I just need to be financially independent to get away from parents’ interference in my life. I know, I was naive. Indian parents never will think they have no business with you after you are 18. Since they gave birth to you, they have the right over your life- right until your own children get married or if life is generous, even the grandchildren! after a struggle to find yourself amidst the pressure to get married, even if you succeed to find yourself a career you love, you will, well .. get married one day. All this had not ever occurred to me earlier that making a decision to remain in india and not go abroad will cut down my circle of life to such a small circumference.

It is only after years, when you see the world around you thinking differently about matter, is when it strikes – did I cut down my opportunities to grow?

I have by now spent some years working with Americans or Europeans on various projects, and for a designer’s job, I constantly required to think outside the Indian mindset of things. May be I’m more deeply devoured by the indian-ness than many others, and that is what disgusts me. No matter how I hate playing safe at all times, I’m unconsciously doing so with my career plans or even life plans. I often question myself, had it been different if I took a bold step to go study abroad ? taken the heart to pursue education in what I believed to be the right thing for me ? I’ve always made decisions to stay in this comfort zone, where the terrain and people and their behaviors remain same, no matter what. I’ve always felt the discomfort to move outside it. I still think of all those NRIs I’ve know as someone ignorant and an outsider to culture of this country. I feel proud at times that I know more about my country’s roots that they will ever know or care for. But their life has possibilities that I may not face. They don’t need to feel connected or worried about this country. So is my patriotism just an excuse ? may be it is.

My manager would constantly echo this on our conversations – ‘In America, this is how we do it, you must think on those lines’. I don’t think it applies to my profession, because i’m mostly involved with the web, which is same for the US or India, or is it ? In any case, I do not refer to indian web as much for inspiration or cognition of solutions, as it is plainly not good at it yet. But there are many a times, I happen to think like an indian, the temptations like coming to work and not working, and leaving early. Indians were never very hard working types when they get paid reasonably. Look at the classes of society, the poorly paid work the hardest. Is it the sub-continent weather ? or are we just genetically easy-money hungry ?

Or may be because I’m just an artist and yearn to spend afternoons painting in a huge studio, instead of breaking my head on a corporate software solution. The Business world always brings this feeling of inferiority in me, of being incompetent. It makes me long to go and create a different niche somewhere and stay out of touch – in my box.

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The Uncouth Indian

As far as I can remember, growing up in this country I have learnt to let the strongly routed patriarchal culture pass through me. It really has come in from a long way, with longer time till it stays, until we may be able to uproot it.

The Indian culture from ancient times, like from the earliest times, suggests a very bold and wise culture, a very open minded settlement. Known as a land of wisdom, where people have come full circle in life to realize the ironies of it, and set their priorities right. Those times are known to have the wisest Rishi-munis and Saints, who had everything figured out. literally! The Vedic texts, the maths, the science .. they just had it all figured. The Chanakya era, known for its progressive lifestyle of a kingdom. From various studies it appears the ancient indian sub-continent was very open-minded about their women, ranging from their influence in the society-to how they dressed. Kama-sutra is one such huge example of the advancement of this society. There are even Sanskrit texts that have stories with women protagonists who were very open about their relationships with men, stuff like extra-maritals and multiple partners. By advancement I mean exactly what you are questioning in your head? a character-less woman ? My stupid dear, what does character mean to you ? I’m certainly not interested in your definitions of character, but for me it is the sole quality of a human to survive at his will, with may be some integrity which won’t involve hurting others. That is all, no amount of relationship graph can possibly define someone’s character.

It occurred in the mid-century where some numb-nuts thought a peaceful world is not good enough. They did not mean to find meaning in life, instead they wanted to take away everyone else’s peace of mind, and control as much as they could. I’m referring to the Alexanders & Mughals who started the trend to invade the peaceful sub-continent. Not that within sub-continent there weren’t negative elements, but most of it was outsiders. I’m basically suggesting we always have the dim-wits who do not get reason or logic.  So these invasions caused the sub-continent to protect their women against assault, they required to hide them and cover them, in order to protect that pride-respect associated with a family or clan.

Up north of India had dramatic changes in the culture of open-mindedness, women could no longer wear single shoulder drapes hugging their bodies, showing off their beautiful curves, no longer bathe in open rivers and ponds and walk out wet to entice strange men. They could no longer be treated as equal to men, as they desperately required protection of men, they could not support or defend themselves, they were refrained from being themselves i.e. being free humans. All this only because the women have a little slit down under, which happens to be creator of life, the biggest power known to this world. Thus, it has been speculated many a times, that a patriarchal society originates from this fear, that if a women can give birth, she can have the greater power. The only way a man finds his solace is by having control over this possible threat to his false-ego – The woman. Constantly over a period of time, women were deprived of gaining wisdom through any means, education or interaction, were continually made to believe they were the weaker sex, they can’t survive without the stupid Adam. And c’mon! we have this woman in all of us. What? you don’t agree? you definitely need a man to control that thought about independence. Without a man , you are nothing, at least in this country. (being sarcastic.. duh!)

And of course, the men have continually been taught to be all-mighty and the big power all this while. Why are you disappointed if you yourself have been participating in this. All women I’ve known have constantly believed in themselves to be something to be protected, and fearing if its intruded upon. Its all these women.. our mothers, our grandmothers, mother-in-laws who constantly instruct their daughters and daughter-in-laws to behave in certain ways in order to protect that imaginary and glorified pride. This Pride has been over-rated, over centuries.

Why a woman’s pride must be tagged to that of an entire Clan or family ?

why is she constantly burdened to be carrying that weight, even though she is supposed to be weakest of all others ?

why is she made to feel ashamed if she lost that pride due to an un-called for event ?

Why must she feel she is capable of losing her pride at all, or anyone else’s ?

Ask yourself, and I hope this generation of mothers or grandmothers who have instilled this belief in us are reading such posts online, to reflect upon themselves, their education, the values they pass on to their daughters. What about sons? you definitely wouldn’t instill good values in your son if you haven’t for your daughters.

You are the culprit. You always let other’s interest stand over your own self-respect. You always have been dumb enough to let them make you weaker. This is because of your slight need for comfort or may I say .. laziness. Of course you like to be treated as a princess.. just like men like to be the King, but don’t you think you need to have some pride of your own to go with it ?

Men have succeeded in making you believe that his pride is a natural occurrence and yours isn’t. You are someone who just needs to follow his pride and lose yours on the way. That isn’t collaboration, that is slavery. Giving the argument about being physically weaker than men, is another scam. Eat well, and keep trained, nothing with a hanging organ can ever do anything to you. Not even when you are leaking with red.

It saddens me to have such mothers and mother-in-laws myself. In my mid-twenties my mother had once instructed me to protect my virginity, as she thought it was horrendous to lose it to someone you won’t marry. Many social stigmas behind that, that you can’t question. My mother-in-law constantly wants me to cover my face and hide in the back-room of the house, as people outside the house may just have a glimpse of me, and since I hold the pride of the household, no free-shows! The Karwa Chauth being the most dim-wit kind of fast invented by the north indians. I mean why in the world must I refrain from food and water for an entire day for the husband ? for that matter Roza for Ramzan sounds better, as then you fast in the name of God atleast. oh oh .. the husband is supposed to be our God you mean ? .. ah now I get that. well ..fuck that! And if I do not fast for your son, it is a matter of worry for you, because it possibly holds a threat to his long life is it ? ohh.. poor that you actually believe that crap. I’m a women, I can control birth of a life, not finish it. duh.

That does it. I do not mean to carry any dim-witted cultural stigmas and rituals into the next generation. I quit being this weak woman. What happened in Delhi lately, will not change unless you stop being so fearful of it. The man needs to be shown, he possibly cannot make you lose pride. He is not capable of it. And certainly that little tool he has hanging below, isn’t actually a tool that can destroy someone.

The f***ing Indian mentality

It defies every logic how the indian mentality works, especially the men here. Its been too many years I’ve faced that mentality, and even though it angers every bit of the woman in me, the truth is, you can not , just simply cannot do anything to change the way things have been.

In the past few years, with more social network tools available online, more women have found ways to come out in the open, express themselves and be what they actually are. For some it works just as good as another way of life, while for some it is indeed another life, may be a life that is not otherwise possible for them to live.

We’ve had many writers, female ones, writing freely about anything and everything unconventional, unacceptable in this very conservative society, winning awards and accolades worldwide, but recognized by a much smaller clan which is relatively free amongst this closed-minded community. They still do ofcourse face resilience from the regular crowd, this crowd I’m talking about, never is willing to change. There are so many women, the famous, recognized, respected on various platforms, who have always spoken their minds. But then among them are the ones who do not believe in being conservative or even acting like one, who aren’t afraid of speaking their mind, in other words will not fear from acting as free as men. Its a twisted mind-set. Its okay if a guy leches about the opposite sex in public, just try a woman doing that in public, for that matter, on a social network, and there are eyebrows raised. Well, there is nothing unique about that observation, I know. What bothers most is however, on a social network ? is it even necessary to bother if someone acted like herself online ? each and everyday, I witness how on these social networks, women have to face offensive messages and comments, just because they happened to be, well, themselves. Be it celebrities like Gul Panag (a well known actor and celebrity), Tasleema Nasreen (a renowned Writer), or any regular women, who like to just speak out whats in their mind, giving a fuck about how they’d be judged.

Being judged…well, that still drives even the most educated, or the most famous people to speak their mind in a certain way, they all go through a certain censorship exercise in their head before they post something on a public platform. But those aren’t the kind of women I’m talking about here. Its the fearless ones who matter, who know there will be a backlash, but that is exactly what they do not give a fuck about.

If we leave alone celebrities, and look at regular women who do not mind making offensive and bold comments (as per indian standards) on a public platform like twitter, the kind of responses aren’t generally warm. But if you come to talk of twitter, crude and abusive responses is what given to not just regular general female public, but celebrities too.

It is amusing how these men, who merely have read something on the internet, from a certain unknown person, most possibly a woman, are capable to being angered by the freedom of expression they happened to portray. If she happens to simply be writing about whats on her mind all day, stuff like what she listens to or what she drank or who she found hot ..bam! the egos are hurt, and a judgement is passed. Slut!

So. These amazing species a.k.a Indian Men, have some really really admirable qualities. And they are not specific to a sun-sign or a region, they are just the same everywhere. Even if they lived away from India for long, some elements do not leave them for life. It varies at different levels of eccentricity for that logic they apply. Some of them –

  • They tend to judge a woman’s character, by how she just behaved
  • oh, I just realized there are so many types of judgements, that we can’t cover in points. :-/

will write about that in detail some other time.

  • well, here goes some more.. they do not believe a girl even requires to express herself, as in they study with them, work at offices with them, comes to parties with them, adventure trips..still it really amuses them if you happen to have the gut(read dick) to think and speak up in an unconventional manner.
  • Oh, and some are even idiotic enough to assume, ‘that if she is so free in her mind, she might as well be free to go to bed with anyone, and of course she wouldn’t mind being called a slut. duh..simple math’  – such amusing logic!

There are more fun-facts I know that I know, but need to think over to put down. later!

I’ve personally known some fucks like that, sometime, may be in last life or something, but these creatures are really amusing, really. beats every reasoning in anyone of us, that why, god why, do they have the balls to be like that.

more sooner..